23 March 2015

A new beginning

So what do you do when the world has become just too big and you feel like you’ve grown more and more insignificant and tired every day? Take a break? Wouldn’t we all want that? But I did. I did decide to take a break and I am on this break as we speak. From my life in the Netherlands, I left my home, my work, my loved ones and I decided to move back to Romania for a couple of months and see what happens.
I have been living in the Netherlands for almost 20 years. Lately things seemed so static that I couldn’t enjoy life anymore. Everything seemed a meaningless routine, an endless boredom accompanied by unnecessary stress and negativity. I just couldn’t take it anymore because I started hating the person I was becoming. Too dull, no more fun, always depressed. I hated it and I knew that I wasn’t that person. I knew I could be a very fun person and I loved that person. I hated the one I had become now. I think what really shook me up was a couple of years ago when I went with mom to Turkey. It was only a week but I felt so happy then. When I came back to Holland it all fell apart. I only then realized how unhappy I actually was. I looked around me and couldn’t recognize home, couldn’t recognize any part of me. I was so down and so depressed I just couldn’t believe the fact that for years I had been living such an unhappy life. And I always felt like that every time I went on a holiday. I just really hated going back to Holland. And everyone has that feeling right? When you don’t want your vacation to come to an end. Yeah but to me it felt like my vacation was a bit of life and going back to Holland was going back to the numb state I was dying in. I remember the nights before coming back to Holland, I’d cry and cry myself to sleep not wanting the next day to come and to actually go back to a life I just completely hated.

I have always thought of going back to Romania but I was always afraid of what it might do to me. I was always afraid of leaving my mom. I grew very close to her, especially in Holland and I knew all the pain and problems she had been through. I didn’t want to leave her alone. I was also afraid of what it might do to my relationship. We always had fights based on the fact that I wanted to go back to Romania and we never knew if our relationship was going bad because I wanted to feel more home or because there was something wrong with the relationship itself. I guess I have always been afraid of making decisions afraid I might choose the wrong one and have regrets. And because I never made decisions I just went on in a life that I didn’t want but was afraid could get worse if I’d take chances.

And now? Well don’t expect things to go different so quickly. I have been in Romania for two days now and I feel confused. I just can’t believe the fact that in just 2,5 hours flight you can reach a destination that is a completely different world than the one you’re living in. Romania is just so much different than Holland. I can’t even explain it in words, I can’t say in a more positive or negative way, it’s just a feeling, just the surroundings, the people, life. Everything seems different but I am sure it also has to do with the fact that I just got here. I always need to give myself at least 2 weeks to get used to Romania again. After that I am more able to compare the situation with a clear mind. Now I’m just confused, sad, happy just all the emotions I can experience come together. I have small panic attacks that I try to ignore, panics like ‘ what the hell am I doing here?’ or worse ‘what am I doing with my life?’ I just try not to think about them because I have come to the conclusion that I overthink a lot and that only makes me panic then I eventually feel tired and drained. So I will just stay calm and let it all happen, I just want to experience life as it is without any worries or stress. Those can come later on but for now I just want peace and enjoying the little things in life I have missed so much.


13 March 2015

10 reasons why Trent Ford is a vampire

Usually I don’t write these kind of articles. I just don’t like putting someone on a pedestal, especially a celebrity because I just don’t actually know the person. But I promise this article is a funny one and I hope you like it. It’s also a wakeup call to me and to everyone out there who cares to think about it. Trent Ford was in a Calvin Klein commercial together with Scarlett Johansson. It’s one of my favorite commercials. Yet, if you search this commercial on YouTube the first name that you come across is Scarlett’s name, as if Trent played no part in making the commercial. It sounds strange and he probably disagrees but it seems we sometimes forget to appreciate real actors just because they don’t play the standard movies we all expect them to be in, just because they are different, just because they don’t follow everyone else. And it’s not just him but there are so many actors, singers, artists out there that are not appreciated for their talent. Why? Because they dare to be different and don’t act and look the way everyone else expects them to? Ok, ok, I won’t bore you with my opinion any longer, I just want to say: see beauty where it really is, dare to think and be different because that is what makes us real.

And to appreciate Trent for all the inspiration he intoxicated me with, here are the 10 reasons why I believe (and what I believe is usually true…) that our dear Trent is 100% a vampire.

1. Immortal. Ok, let’s face it, when he was 24 he looked like 18, when he turned 27, he looked like 20 and now he looks dangerously hot at 36. He does not age and that is a pretty good sign that he belongs to the undead.

2. Experience. Have you ever looked in those eyes, in every picture, the way he stared back at you? His stare is even more piercing than the Mona Lisa. Those eyes tell us that he has seen a lot, that he went through many ups and downs but whatever he went through, whatever he saw…those secrets will never be revealed.

3. Hidden talents. Has anyone noticed his short appearance in The Vampire Diaries? No one wonders why they didn’t want to keep the camera on him for too long, why they couldn’t show him too often in the show? And why they never gave him the role of Damon even though we all know he would have done a damn good job at it? Well….there is only one reason: not to raise suspicions! If he had played the part of the vampire for too long, people would have realized that he played the part very well…too well…the vampire community could not have afforded that.

4. Sexuality. Both men and women are attracted to him. There is something about him that appeals to both sexes and we all know that vampires have a charisma that can charm any race and any gender. Hello!!! The ‘How to deal’ and ‘Burning Blue’ movies! You can’t argue with that!

5. Mesmerized. Have you noticed how Scarlett actually stares at Trent in that commercial? Have you seen how she smiles and how she looks at him in a way no other man could have possibly been able to make her look on that moment, at that time? Did she almost look….compelled? Need I say more?

6. Tutu. No one can pull off a tutu and still look manly. No one! Well at least…no human being…

7. Conquests. He wears a necklace around his neck with beads he collects every time he goes to a new place... (Perhaps he carries some dirt with him from his birth land which I assume is Romania around the 15th century). But let me ask you something, where does he get the beads? Do you actually believe he buys them…or are they reminders of his love conquests after he bites them?

8. Wise. Have you watched any of his interviews? Did you ever listen to his advice or listen to the things he says? Example?

- About love
Yesterday I was asked frequently, many, many times whether true love exists, whether love exists, [and] whether I believe in it. It’s kind of a ridiculous question to be quite frank, because you either know yourself or you don’t know. What is my telling you going to do for you at all? What I’ve noticed is that as people kept asking me this question, what they were really asking is, "Do you think you can survive against the incursions and the fears that we have in our life already?"
- About the way he thinks
Some people think before they jump off a wall, some people think whether to get up on the wall at all, and I think as I'm jumping off the wall. And generally what I'm thinking is, Oh shit! (he laughs)(…) It means you break a lot of bones, but it also means you have a hell of a lot of fun.
-Advice to people who start in the same industry he did (acting, modeling, blood drinking etc.)
Get your education, do something else! I think that one thing can make an actor attractive or very unattractive: desperation. Desperation stinks.
He sounds too wise, doesn’t he? Like he’s been on this world…forever?

9. Music. He collects a lot of CD’s….does he now? Or does he possess that thousands of CD’s collection just by being on this Earth a little longer than any of us have or can? How many CD's would you have if you were already alive when the first one appeared on the market? Just think about it...

10. Always on the move. He moved a lot as a child. Some of us do too but this guy…he did it for a whole other reason. He had to move! People around him realized he wasn’t aging at all! Who knows where he'll go next?

So here you have it. If you aren’t convinced yet then that’s your problem! But please, please don’t go around making plans on how to unmask Trent for his secret. He may be a vampire, but he is a damn pretty one! And let me end this article with one of my favorite Trent quotes…just saying…he kinda confesses himself here:

‘You don’t become an actor to be rich, I don’t think, but you hope to be immortal.’
Well Trent...I guess you were able to do that after all :)



05 March 2015

Straight from the heart

These days I catch myself listening to ‘old’ songs from the 90’, 80’, 70’and so on. I listen to the words and smile because they meant so much more back then than the words that are being used in the songs of today. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me but I find that the music of today has become so meaningless, so empty, if you listen to the words it’s all about sex, well it’s always been about sex but now it’s all so plain, ‘touch me there, touch me here’ ‘do me now, do me there’ etc. etc. It’s basically all I hear when I listen to these songs. I am slightly exaggerating of course but some of you get my point. It seems we used to know how to talk about love, we used to have inspiration, but not anymore. What changed? Did we decide love has taken another level or did we replace love with temporary butterflies and moments of pleasure instead of what can last a lifetime?

I know our nature as a human being is to constantly look for situations in which we can fall in love. Let’s face it, the most addictive drug in this whole universe is falling in love, those butterflies in your stomach, the constant daydreaming, the moment you are about to kiss the one you’re in love with and the way his or her lips makes you feel, shivers down your spine, excitement and the feeling that you can take on the whole world as long as you’re together. Who wouldn’t want that forever? But let’s face it, nothing lasts forever, no matter what you do. You can continue seeking that feeling from lover to lover, travel all across the world to find it but in the end you will realize it was only temporary. What remains is love, pure unconditional love once you discovered all your partner’s crazy habits and he or she discovered yours and you are still together. The unconditional love that makes you fight for each other even though the world is tempting in so many ways. The unconditional love that does not need you to express your love every second because the other person knows, knows that you will be together forever. And of course this can end up in taking each other for granted but it’s something to both work on. And it’s not easy, because where do you draw the line between what unconditional love is and just being used to one another, afraid to never find someone else? I guess it’s all about following your true heart and not the artificial heart we’ve created over the centuries.

I guess the music of today is based on the temporary butterflies, have all the sex you can handle, you only live once etc. etc. but the music of yesterday was wiser, it knew about love and that love has its ups and downs. We have become children when it comes to love while years ago we were adults. We fight for the wrong reasons…Women want to be equal to men in every aspect, they want to be just as powerful as men, be just as emotionless, have just as many meaningless sex nights as men, not be seen as the weaker sex….but weaker sex doesn’t mean we are beneath men. We are more emotional, we are tender, that’s why we are women. And deep down inside, women dream of the gentleman who would treat them like a flower and respect them. Men have become less of what they used to be. Who could blame them, right? Where are the days when a man wasn’t measured by the money in his pocket but by the way he did his best to keep his family alive?   

I am not saying that the past was perfect, I am just saying that love changed and these days when I look around and listen to the crap they put on the radio…I just don’t understand why we have become so shallow and ignorant. We get high on celebrity gossip, gossip is as meaningless as asking my grandma what her chicken had for breakfast. We spend hours and hours on social media looking at other people’s lives instead of taking care of ours, we spend even more hours trying to look as perfect as celebrities do. We are completely shocked when we discover that some celebrity didn’t have a perfect body or skin after all. But we surely know everything is made fake so that we buy the products that are sold, we surely know celebrities look perfect but aren’t, they need to look perfect to fool us into a world that doesn’t exist and make us daydream of perfection. But we do know it doesn’t exist don’t we? We know celebrities are just as human as we are, don’t we?  Well, except for Chris Hemsworth, he’s a God…ha ha but seriously we’ve created a world of shallow perfection when we know that it shouldn’t be perfect. It’s like creating a candy apple, from the outside the candy looks perfect and smooth but on the inside the apple is rotten. But we’ve created this, because we want perfection, we want to be lied and deceived to, we want a dream world where everyone looks and acts perfect.

Where am I getting with this story? How the fuck should I know? I just think we should look at the past and relearn from our mistakes. I saw a text last year written in a what used to be a Romanian prison during the Communism, horrible things happened there and I can take a lot of sadistic facts but what they did there…it’s almost unbelievable. Not that I am comparing this whole story to Communism, I just remembered the words written on one of the walls:

”Cine uită trecutul e condamnat să îl repete.”
(Meaning 'Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it' - George Santayana)

So stop acting shallow, please, for your sake, remember what you have and if you want to fall in love again do it, you don’t have to find another man or woman to fall in love, just look around you, there are plenty of things to fall in love with. Real things, honest things. Visit a new place, meet new people, hear their stories and fall in love with the world because the world is so much bigger than you think. Why do you think I write stories? I like to fall in love over and over and over again, dream away and think of a world where everything is imperfect but perfect because of it.
Falling in love with his smile
Falling in love with Gumbet, one of the most beautiful places on Earth (to me)

London, loving it for all of its secrets and wonders.

Falling in love with a picture just because it looks real

Being at home, eating and doing the things I love best